Cultivating Intimacy after Birth
by Emily Durand
Content note: This article will talk about sexual and non-sexual intimacy from a sex-neutral, queer-centered lens.
When I was looking up information for this blog, the first 20 or so articles I read had three common, frustrating messages:
Your post-birth experience will be overwhelming, restless, painful, and without comfort. You shouldn’t expect anything else.
People who give birth are in a married, cis-heteronormative relationship. Here are five tips on making penis-in-vagina sex after birth potentially more enjoyable.
Communication is key! You should already know how to do this.
If you sought help after birth for cultivating intimacy, came across one of these articles, and felt disappointed, that makes sense.
You deserve to have access to better information and feel represented in your experiences.
It also makes sense that transitioning to life post-birth may be challenging; I’m not here to deny that. And. And, you are allowed to have positive expectations for yourself.
I want this article to be a soft place to land, a space for you to turn to if you are hoping to cultivate intimacy in your latest phase of life.
Determining the Importance of Intimacy for Yourself: Guiding Questions
The questions below may help you consider what kind of intimacy you would like to cultivate.
I recommend asking yourself these questions first before sharing with partner(s), if applicable.
How do you define intimacy?
How important is intimacy for you?
If you have a partner or partners, how important is intimacy for them? How do they define intimacy?
What types of intimacy feel the most important to you? Some examples include physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual, and creative intimacy.
Note: When it comes to sexual intimacy for couples, those who decide together that they would like to prioritize sex tend to experience higher sexual satisfaction (Nagoski, 2015).
If you’re interested in learning more about sexual intimacy, read “Defining Sex” and “The Sexual Response Cycle.”
If not, skip down to “Strategies.”
Defining Sex
When I facilitate my sex education workshops, I like to do an activity where I ask participants to define sex. What actions make up “sex”?
Each time, I get as many different answers as there are participants. What sex may mean for one person may be different to another, and all definitions are valid.
How do you define sex? Is it cuddling? Kissing? Putting your mouth on someone else’s body? Mindfully breathing with someone else? Masturbation? Ecosexual experiences? Reading to each other? Genital stimulation? All of the above, or something else?
Whatever it is for you, think about what you might be most interested in after giving birth.
You can change your mind at any time.
Contrary to popular belief, what is important for sexual satisfaction is not the amount of sex you have or how often you have sex. What is important is that you are enjoying the sex you’re having.
There is a huge range of experiences we may have when it comes to sex and intimacy after birth.
Being interested in sex is a normal, valid experience. Not being interested in sex is a normal, valid experience. If you feel disconnected from your sexual self after birth, it makes sense to feel disappointment, yearning, or something else. If you feel very connected to your sexual self after birth, this also makes sense. If you decide you want to prioritize intimacy after birth among all of the other priorities you are now juggling, that is a valid priority to have.
Before getting into strategies for cultivating sexual intimacy, it can be helpful to learn (or unlearn) how our sexual response cycle works.
The Sexual Response Cycle
Most people who ask me questions about their sexual functioning are wondering if what they experience is normal.
Research conducted by Masters and Johnson on cisgender, heterosexual married couples in the 50s told us that a normal sexual response is linear: we experience excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. This messaging has been integrated into our cultural psyche to this day.
We now know this is not true.
Instead, we have the dual control model of sexual functioning. This means there are two parts: a sexual “accelerator” and a sexual “brake” (Nagoski, 2015).
Our sexual accelerator looks at all the things we can see, hear, taste, touch, smell, and imagine, and tells our brain, “turn on.” Our sexual brake looks at the same things and tells our brain, “turn off.”
Accelerators and brakes are different for each person, and everyone has different sensitivities (content note: sexual temperament questionnaire, gendered language).
Examples of accelerators could be going on an adventure, which increases our adrenaline, the smell of your favorite meal being cooked by your favorite person, erotic novels, getting alone time for the first time since birth, hot showers, gentle massages, or kink practices.
Examples of brakes may include concern about getting pregnant again, worries about whether you or baby is getting enough nourishment, loss, postpartum depression, physical pain, stress over timing or leaving the baby alone, our political climate, or obstetric or sexual trauma.
When someone struggles to access pleasure, usually it’s not because there isn’t enough stimulation to the accelerator; it’s because there’s too much stimulation to the brakes.
Context can impact how we interpret these factors at any given time.
For example, while doing dishes, you hear your partners cooing at the baby and making them giggle. If you’ve gotten a lot of sleep the night before, your day is going according to plan, you had a good breakfast, and you’re generally in a positive frame of mind, you may interpret this action as attractive or arousing. But if you’ve been up all night with baby, who recently had a blowout, and you’re not even supposed to be the one doing the dishes, you may interpret this action as overstimulating and annoying. (In case you haven’t heard it today—it’s okay. This doesn’t make you a bad parent.)
What this all means is that if you’re wondering if you are “normal” or valid for being turned off due to stress, the answer is yes, you are normal.
Too much stimulation to the brakes is caused by stress, which can inhibit any type of intimacy.
We can use this information to help us cultivate strategies for accessing sexual or non-sexual intimacy. When we move beyond the cis-heteronormative perspectives that intimacy must be sexual, and that sex is limited to penis-in-vagina intercourse, a whole range of possibilities open up to us to cultivate more intimacy for ourselves.
Strategies
The strategies below have two goals: helping us reduce stress (decrease pressure on the brakes, which helps us more easily access the accelerators) and being more present, which helps us enjoy intimacy as we experience it.
There are two main approaches: somatic, or body-based work, and cognitive, or thinking-based work.
Somatic work includes strategies like mindful breathing, eye gazing exercises, co-regulation exercises, non-sexual intimate touch, dancing, adventure, or immersing yourself in soft blankets.
Cognitive work typically includes written exercises, journaling, talk therapy, and communication tools.
Communication is an important strategy for cultivating intimacy and pleasure in our lives post-birth, whether communicating with ourselves or others.
That said, unlike what other articles may indicate, communication is not automatically learned; it’s a skill that we practice and hone over time. Below are two exercises that you might choose to add to your intimacy toolbox.
Mindfulness Exercise
Access Note: If altering your breathing or deep breathing does not work for you, do this exercise without changing how you breathe.
Find a comfortable position, feeling the seat beneath you or ground beneath your body, supporting you. Allow your breath to find its natural rhythm.
Once you find your natural rhythm, you might choose to close your eyes or let your eyes be downcast towards the floor or another point in front of you.
Take a deep breath in, noticing the sensation of the air as it travels through your nose, and let it out slowly, noticing the sensation of the air as it travels out of your mouth.
Take another deep breath in and slow breath out. Maybe you notice the air as cool as it travels into your nose, maybe it tickles your nose hairs, and you feel your chest expand and feel full. And maybe you notice the air as warm as it travels out of your lungs and you feel your chest contract.
Continue breathing like this for another minute or two. You may notice thoughts cross your mind. That’s normal. Acknowledge the thoughts or the feelings, and slowly return your attention to the breath. Continue breathing in and out.
After two minutes, allow your breath to return to its natural rhythm. Slowly wiggle your fingers and toes, stretch your neck, open your eyes, and come back to the space.
Now, I invite you to do the same exercise and set the slightly different intention of noticing any pleasurable sensations that come up in your body. Repeat the exercise and consider the following questions:
How did that feel?
What was different between the two exercises?
What is one small part of your day where you could integrate this exercise? Maybe you pay attention to the first sip of coffee in the morning, the first snuggle of your baby during the day (or night), or a long hug from your partner. Maybe this changes over time, too.
Doing this exercise over time is like building a muscle. Mindful breathing is an evidence-based way of reducing stress hormones, which will decrease pressure on our brakes. It is also a way of being more attuned to types of intimacy and pleasure that may already be present.
Interoception Practice:
Interoception is the ability to notice what feels good and what doesn’t.
Many folks have been taught to ignore their bodies’ signals. It can be especially difficult for those who have just given birth, when sensations can feel overwhelming regardless of the context.
When we turn toward those sensations with kindness and curiosity, we can attune more closely to our wants and needs, which helps us develop intimacy.
It’s hard to communicate with ourselves and others when we are not sure what we want in the first place.
The good news is, while some folks may find this more or less difficult than others, it is a skill that can be learned.
Grab a piece of paper and pen or your notes app and consider the exercise below.
When you think about holding hands, what feeling comes up for you? Examples might be: curiosity, excitement, longing, disgust, indifference.
Where does this feeling show up in your body? Examples might be: Your stomach, your chest, your throat, your arms, your neck.
When you think about holding hands, what are the things you want out of that experience? What are the things you don’t want out of that experience? Examples might be: You want the comfort of physical touch, the ability to use playing with someone’s hand during a movie to focus, the feeling of being physically grounded with this person, a sense of connectedness. Perhaps you want to not hurt their feelings. Maybe you don’t want their physical presence in your space, their germs, to feel clammy and self conscious, or the awkwardness of saying no.
When you look at this last list, do you want any actual holding hands?
If the answer is yes, great! There are lots of ways you can ask for that or signal your yes.
If the answer is no, was there anything that you listed that you do want? Do you want their company? Do you just want them to sit on the couch opposite you while you watch a movie together and eat snacks?
If you do want actual physical hand holding, are there any adjustments you want to make to that act—for example, do you want them to wash their hands first?
Use this exercise with any type of intimacy or behavior that draws your attention.
Cultivating interoception is one of the first steps to communicating your wants and needs around intimacy after birth, whether with yourself or others.
Conclusion
We hope this is helpful and supportive for you as you continue on your post-birth journey. Intimacy may be a priority for you at some times and less at others.
You can return to these exercises again and again, anytime you are ready to come back to them.
If you are interested in supporting other birthing people postpartum, we invite you to check out our postpartum doula training here.
Emily Durand (they/she) is a queer, nonbinary, and disabled full-spectrum doula and lactation educator originally from the Mississippi Gulf Coast. They are the administrative coordinator at BADT, and they are dedicated to making education accessible and anti-oppressive through kindness and compassion.
Outside of BADT, Emily is a certified sex educator and violence preventionist with a decade of experience in the anti-violence movement. Beyond work, you can find Emily reading, gardening, resting, hanging out with their cat, watching figure skating, and embroidering.