The Importance of Gender Expansive Parenting-- My Family and Beyond
Gender expansive parenting, also sometimes called gender creative parenting, is an intention not to assign a gender to your child at birth, but rather to create space for them to learn, understand, and define themselves from the start while providing an expansive and supportive environment full of language and possibility models. There are a number of folks who practice this approach to parenting, and more and more parents are sharing about the experience. Dr. Kyl Myers wrote a book about gender creative parenting, Raising Them, and their website has a number of links, books, and resources.
The practice of gender expansive parenting looks different for each and every family, and that’s important and valid. Some parents may choose (or be able to choose) not to assign a legal sex to their children. Some folks may be able to practice gender expansive parenting at home, but not in public, or at school, or in their extended family setting. I am a firm believer that each and every time we communicate to children (and ourselves!) “you are who you say you are,” it matters. This is way less about chic “gender neutral” clothing for toddlers (maybe it’s not at all about that!?) and way more about honoring children’s identities and protecting and creating space for them to explore and self-define.
My Family's Story
When I was pregnant with the now-two-year-old who graces our home and family, I was unsure…about a lot of things. I was drawn to the idea of gender expansive parenting, but I also wasn’t sure how it would work for me and my partner and this fresh new kid.
At the time, we lived with my in-laws, in a rural Kentucky town. (We still live in Kentucky, we just moved back down the road and now live in not-so-rural Kentucky.) I was also unsure about my own gender identity. I had been out for about a year, to myself and others, as non-binary, but there was still a lot about my self and my gender that I could sense but didn’t have words for yet. My partner was also in the midst of some gender discovery and transition, and ultimately it felt inauthentic, impossible even, to tell our child “you’re a boy” or “you’re a girl” when we weren’t able to put our own gender identities into words.
So, we decided not to assign a gender to our kid. And two years in, it is one of the decisions I am most proud of and happy with. There have been challenging moments, for sure, but honestly not as many as I expected, and certainly not as many as others tend to expect when they ask me about gender expansive parenting. That is surely in part related to privilege. My partner and I are white, and we are married. We’ve both had access to education that gave us words and concepts that (sometimes) help us talk about these things, and most days we have the spoons and words to talk about them. But, I also think it’s been less challenging because gender liberation is for all of us. Even your grandma. Even mine.
Beyond My Family– Visions for ALL of Us
Countless times over the last two+ years people have come up to ask “aww, is that a boy or a girl?” In these conversations what sticks out to me is that even people who do not understand the choice not to gender our child thoughtfully nod their heads or react with recognition when I point out the ways that we all have assumptions made about us, about our genders. Most of us, probably all of us, can describe moments in which we felt constrained, frustrated, or hurt by another person’s assumptions and beliefs about our gender. Transphobia and gender essentialism are certainly present, violent, and harmful, and it is not always safe, easy, or possible to have these conversations. But when it is, I’ve been grateful and heartened by the common ground that’s possible, even if gender expansive parenting still feels big, confronting, or scary for some folks.
Similarly, the folks who have struggled most with our decision not to gender our child are mostly relatives who were really, really excited to welcome this child into the world with us. In nearly every circumstance, I think this has fundamentally been about connection. Gender is—can be—a way of understanding and connecting with each other. When gender is not immediately obvious, when we don’t know someone’s gender, or when we feel confronted or confused by a person’s gender, we can feel lost, hurt, or left out if that’s a way we are used to connecting with each other. Whether with strangers or family members, I always try to bring connection into focus, offering ways to connect with our family and my child—their name, what they like or dislike, or just by opening a conversation between my baby (now toddler!) and the person seeking to connect with us.
When I reflect on my goals behind the choice to parent gender expansively, my child’s joy, autonomy, and wellbeing are certainly a large part of my motivation. However, this choice, for me, is also part of envisioning and creating a world where sex/gender/body parts aren't a necessary or even foundational element of knowing, respecting, or loving someone. This isn’t about making kids non-binary, it's about making space outside of the binary for all kids to explore, grow, and thrive.
If you’re a current or future parent considering gender expansive parenting, I hope my experience encourages you to create your own. You are absolutely not alone, and your vision of a gender expansive life for your kid (and everybody else!) is beautiful, amazing, and important.
If you’re a parent who did assign a gender to your child, it’s never too late to check in with them about gender and express your support for them as they experience and discover gender and identity. There is a Facebook post I’ve seen circulated on social media, from Kirill Lebedev, that may provide perspective and language for checking in:
“If you assign your kid a binary gender at birth, but you want them to be honest with you about their identity, be honest with them about why you gave them an assignment. ‘Most people expect some people with your body to be a boy/girl, but they’re wrong to assume that. There are boys, girls, and non-binary people who look like you. I don’t know your real gender until you tell me. I use these pronouns because that’s what people expect, but if you think I might be wrong or know that I am, all you need to do is tell me. You are the boss of your body and your identity. Only you know who you are, and I love you, believe you, and support you and will fight for you no matter what.’”
Supporting Gender Expansiveness for Families and Beyond
If you are someone who wants to better support parents, kids, and families who are trans, non-binary, or just aren’t sure yet what their gender(s) are, the following beliefs and behaviors are a good place to start:
Consider all infants as ante-gender (“before gender”) beings: no matter how much pink or blue we throw at a kiddo, the truth is, nobody knows yet how they will relate to and experience gender.
Practice gender expansive language. Just like we don’t know a newborn’s gender, you don’t know anyone’s gender or the gender language that makes them feel good until they tell you. Don’t wait until a loved one is asking you to use new-to-you gender language, go ahead and get great at it now! They/them pronouns, neopronouns, referring to someone without pronouns (usually just with their name), and generally just using non-gendered language to refer to folks (...folks! People! Parents! Kid! Baby! Human! Sibling! Kin! Family! Loved one! Pal! Etc.!) are great linguistic skills to have in your pocket.
Listen. Every family, kid, and person is unique. Don’t assume and take time to listen to people so you can best support and affirm them.
Celebrate and affirm them. Queer and trans and gender diverse folks are AWESOME! Learn how to see, celebrate, and affirm the people and families in your life who are living outside of the gender binary in ways that feel good for them (surprise parties for people who hate surprise parties suck…be thoughtful and personal in how you celebrate someone).
One of the most amazing and challenging parts of parenting in my experience is the unknown. We don’t know it all, we can’t. Gender expansive parenting is one way to be with your child in the unknown, creating joy, permission, and curiosity for you to learn and grow together. And in my experience, there is a lot of joy.
Join me for BADT’s Queer & Trans Reproductive Support CE Course to dig deeper into these conversations!
Andrew Rich (he/him and they/them) is a trans non-binary human, parent, and post-bac pre-med student at the University of Louisville, as well as a graduate student in healthcare ethics. They live in Louisville, Kentucky with their spouse and somehow two-year-old kid who has not been assigned a gender, loves "fancy dresses," and is one of the funniest-kindest-smartest people Andrew knows. He previously worked as a doula and lactation educator, and hopes to one day become an OBGYN focusing on sexual, reproductive, and gender health for trans, queer, and gender diverse people. Andrew loves to talk, think, and learn about gender and identity, and dreams of a world where the sex/gender binary no longer exists so that all of us—from the babies to the elders—can exist in our bodies, relationships, and communities as we are and want to be.